I guess we all have one of these days every now and then, when we just think that our life is a complete mess of things. For me, today is such a day. After arriving back to Munich in the middle of the night, the first time with a bus (which deserves a blog post of its own), freezing my ass off at the S-Bahn station to get home, finally getting to bed at 2 in the morning and having a miserable night with two weird (but interesting) dreams worth of a movie and being completely dried out due to the heating being too high in my bedroom, waking up late completely dehydrated and worn out, spending the whole day working, I am finally home. Every day new ideas pop to my head on what to write about, but this one is the first one I need to get out of my system.

So, yes, today I feel that my life is a complete mess. Juggling living in two countries, running a company, trading the FOREX market, starting a blog, desperately trying to maintain relationships with people close to me, wanting to live healthier, exploring the world, meeting new people, learning new things, just stopping for a day or two to read a book and getting back in shape, I feel I am out of strength, that is it just too much to handle.

But I persevere, I always work best under pressure and get the most done under such conditions. The more stress, the better results I tend to deliver. How this impacts me and my life, I have no idea, no clear picture. I know I live a full life with many interesting stories I will be able to tell, but is that really it? Would I not be happier just winding the tempo of my life down and enjoying nature, quiet time, relaxation, quality time with great people. No idea, but I know on such days I just want to let go of everything, crawl into bed and sleep until I feed rested. I sometimes daydream of taking the first plane into some new country, throwing my phone away, closing all my social media accounts and just enjoy a far off beach or mountain range, spending days enjoying in the shade, reading books, starting a bar and mixing cocktails. A daydream that gives me the feeling everything would fall in place and I would really start enjoying life.

There really is no specific point to this, except for the duality of it all. Would I be missing out if I would not accept the challenges I did? Or would I really live the way one should.

I had a lot of thoughts on the society as it is today, at least what I see from my perspective. All this “need” to live, experience, enjoy, broaden the horizons… should it really be that? Are we really all that special to be at the centre of everything? Do we really need to be the ones that have done it all? Or are we better off just enjoying a simple life, having a family, caring for our loved ones and being closer to nature, enjoying what is has to offer. I often think that we have lost that touch, that our generations feel we need to achieve sometimes meaningful, but at the same time spend throwing away our days following the social goals of travel, cool hobbies, following social media and being consumer drones.

I get that feeling more often when in Munich where the tempo seems to be much faster and the pressure much bigger on people to either be achievers or consumer drones, who sleep, work, shop and watch TV. No idea if that is true, it is just my perception. Yesterday I have read a book. After a very long time. Before that, for the last few years, I have only been reading on airports and before that I actually took time in my everyday life to read. I miss that, I have over 60 books on my to-read list, waiting on my shelves or written in my notepad. The list keeps growing, yet I do not take the time to read, there is so much more to do I think. But… books take me to another place, they inspire my imagination and I also believe that that was the reason for my two very vivid dreams yesterday (I was reading the novel Alamut by Vladimir Bartol), the book that I wanted first re-read three years ago. Until yesterday I thought that I have read it in gymnasium, but now I am not so certain, since I do not remember anything what I have read so far.

So at this point there should be a conclusion, but do I have one to give? Right now I feel that I am not capable of reaching it, but at the same time I know that once I get rested, sleep this off, I will fall back into track juggling everything again, with an occasional day when my thoughts will wander to that country far far away where I would find my inner peace… and for now that will need to do, I have so much that I should do, before I could let go and just relax… so much to prove, to me and others. Or so I was taught to think. I hope that some day I will look back and know that all of that was just part of the road to that peaceful enjoyable place where time moves slow and days do not feel like seconds again.

I remember yesterday on the bus, in front of me sat a young student. I was reading the book, and I could see her smartphone. In the 6 hours of the drive, every time I glimpsed at what she was doing, it was either Instagram, Facebook or messenger. I could have sworn it was same posts all the time, photos of clothes, make up and female models… I thought she must really have been bored and all that was going through my head was, how good the batteries on her smartphone are to have lasted her through all that browsing of endless clothes, accessories and trend setters through the whole bus ride. Only at the end it hit me, how different we were. I was happy to have had the opportunity to read a book after all this time, she was probably some 10 to 15 years younger than me and 6 hours of social media was something that she passed her time with being more than content.

On the way home from the office I listened to the radio in the car, there was a piece on the 1920´s history in Hannover, Germany about a poet who was criticised for his work. It explained the political situation at the time and how this was connected to him disrupting the society with his work. It got me thinking of how times changed, how in the past young people followed their callings, how they knew what they wanted to do, how they did not take education, art, science and medicine for granted. Or even the social system. I feel that in the times we live in today the young (or middle aged, as I am) people do not have that perspective, that all is just a blur, that very few stop and think, that we all just run on a track… to no clear goal, pursuing something we cannot even specify.

Maybe I will sleep that thought off, or maybe I am right, who knows.